How To Stop Toxic Comparison

John got a 10% raise. He’s ecstatic.

The first thing he does is call his girlfriend and tell her about the pay raise he got. They begin talking about going on a trip and start brainstorming travel destinations.

Afterwards, John just sits at his desk. Reflecting about all the hard work and extra hours he put into getting this raise.

He decides to join a few of his co workers who are chatting by the water cooler. Amy got a 20% raise. Max got a 15% raise.

Throughout the conversation John realizes something. Not only did he get the lowest pay raise — he’s also the lowest paid person his team.

John is filled with anger and resentment. He begins to feel unappreciated at his company.

Whenever he walks into the office — he’s constantly reminded that he’s the lowest paid team member.

Do you feel bad for John?

What if I told you John is a successful software engineer making $200k per year? Do you still feel bad for him?

Whether we want to admit it or not we have all experienced what John went through in our lives.

Social comparison is hardwired into our brains. We seek to understand our level of status by comparing ourselves to other people.

This was necessary for understanding your role within your tribe. Butting heads with the leader of the tribe (higher status) could result in you losing your life.

Social comparison isn’t necessarily bad. If used correctly, it can be a great tool for learning from the right mentors.

However, as the world gets more connected — we begin to see the rise of toxic comparison.

The Toxic Comparison Trap

Toxic comparison not only makes us feel miserable — it also distracts us from the things that matter.

We end up sacrificing our goals for goals that society forces onto us.

We pursue a higher status job even if it means sacrificing our health and time with friends and family.

We stick to extreme diets because we care more about how we look on the outside than how we feel on the inside.

We buy objects we can’t afford to display high status.

We do all these things to impress people who don’t care.

In the age of social media — toxic comparison is put on hyperdrive.

On social media it seems like everyone has a six pack and a million dollars in the bank.

We compare our lives to the top 0.1% of the planet — leading to unrealistic comparisons.

We want Elon’s net worth with Brad Pitt’s looks and the body of LeBron James.

This is the toxic comparison trap. We compare our lives to the highlights and strengths of other people without looking at their lives holistically.

Sure having Elon’s bank account would be amazing but do we want the high stress, poor health and poor relationships?

Same with Brad Pitt. Sure he looks great but do we want….. actually never mind that guy is perfect.

The next time you catch yourself comparing yourself to another person — ask yourself this: Would you want to trade your entire life for theirs?

More often than not, the answer will be no (unless he’s Brad Pitt).

Escaping Toxic Comparison

By escaping the comparison trap you become clear on what you genuinely want and work towards that.

You begin to live a more peaceful life because you stop caring about what other people think.

You stop trying so hard to impress other people.

“Most people spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to realize, when they get to the top, the ladder has been leaning against the wrong wall”.

— Stephen Covey

Living in a constant state of comparison is leaning the ladder on the wrong wall.

Now how do we escape toxic comparison?

This is something that I consistently struggle with. Constantly comparing myself to others who are further ahead than me.

Here are some tips that have helped me as I continue to work towards being free from comparison.

There’s someone jealous of you

If you’re reading this — chances are that there’s someone out there that’s jealous of you.

It may be easy to dismiss but it’s true.

Think about your strengths. What advantages you have over others.

If you’re an extrovert, there’s someone out there who would love to have your social skills.

If you have a great job — there’s someone who would go to great lengths to be able to have that same opportunity.

The point here isn’t to think about how you’re better than everyone else. It’s reminder of how ridiculous it is to compare yourself to others.

Imagine being extremely jealous of a certain person. That person is spending most of their time comparing their lives to someone else. There’s another person doing the same thing but with you.

It’s a never ending chain.

Focusing on your own progress

“Don't compare yourself with other people; compare yourself with who you were yesterday.”

— Jordan Peterson

When you compare yourself to someone else — you’re focusing on the gap of where you are and where you want to be.

By comparing the current you to a past version of you — you remember all the progress and growth that you’ve made.

Comparing yourself to others diminishes your self esteem. Focusing on your progress increases your self esteem.

Which would you rather have?

Spend a few mins each week or each month to just think of the progress you’ve made in your life.

Reduce or Eliminate Time on Social Media

Like I mentioned above — social media puts our comparison wiring into hyperdrive.

Not only that — but advertisers take advantage of your vulnerable state to make more money. They subconsciously tell you:

• You’re not pretty until you buy this makeup

• You’re not manly enough until you drink this beer

• You won’t attract women if you don’t wear this cologne

Taking a break from social media made me realize one thing: social media doesn’t even come close to representing reality.

When you stop filling every free minute with mindless scrolling — you give yourself space to really think about what you genuinely want and what you don’t want.

Negative Gratitude

I was contemplating adding this section in because it seems like nowadays everyone is saying that gratitude is the answer to all our problems.

But we all intuitively know that gratitude is the antidote to toxic comparison. You’re more focused on what you have vs. the things that you don’t have.

Personally, I’ve kinda found it hard to practise gratitude. I tried all the habits that people said you should do — like writing down 3 things that you’re grateful for every day.

It helped but I never saw lasting change.

This practise of negative gratitude made it a lot easier for me to really appreciate the mundane. Things I take for granted.

We tend to appreciate certain things once they’re gone.

For example — one time I was so sick it was impossible to breathe through my nose. It was constantly stuffed.

I kept thinking to myself how much I missed being able to breathe through my nose. Once I recovered I had a newfound appreciation for something as simple as having a clear nose.

There’s a lot of things that we take for granted that someone else has to live without.

Imagine if you couldn’t see. Imagine not being able to walk. Imagine not being able to taste food.

Just taking a minute or two to imagine these scenarios gives you newfound appreciation for the little things in life. The little things don’t feel so little anymore.

Doing this practise made me realize one thing: No matter how shitty life is, no matter how hard things are right now — there’s always something that we can be grateful for.

If you made it to the end just know that I am grateful for you and I hope you found this helpful.

Love,

Ashvin